my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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