The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
