if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
