He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
