...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Randomize
