yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
