Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Randomize
