he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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