But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
