I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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