Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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