it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
God, I missed his penis.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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