Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
