eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
