Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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