I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
