the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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