Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
