there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
