Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
