my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
