you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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