Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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