She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
