idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My bed smells like the plague
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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