You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
