i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
