If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm too high and old for this...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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