My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
