I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
