i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i came on her dog
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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