I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
