Non-Jews are for practice
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
