god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
