whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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