I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize