she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
