A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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