She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
