My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
