It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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