don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
