I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
