You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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