Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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