a queef is a wish your heart makes.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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