I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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