That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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