eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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