She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
