I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
