god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Of course I have a pirate flag
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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