my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
