Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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