I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
