I skipped work to stalk him.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
