i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
