I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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