I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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