Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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