I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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