I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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